Logical Nonsense-Kenyanized!!

Yep. That headline makes no sense to me either; basically highlighting the entire logic behind this piece. Have you ever questioned why somethings are being done the way they are? The question why, apparently, is the hardest question one can ever ask? Hmm, ponder about it for a minute or so?


It is true, isn't it? Now, marry the question to some of the norms in our society, and you will see that a lot people are in need of some rude awakening. Tag along.......
1. Visitor's utensils

I know this happens in many homes in Kenya. I am really astounded, (my mom being a major victim) when parents order that some utensils should not be used by family members, as they are reserved for occasions or visitors. Majority go unused, and gather dust, as the family is forced to limit usage of what is available. This is one of the few things, unknowingly passed through generations. For example, I ask: why can't one choose to train a child, how to value and be careful with a glass, instead of limiting the child's scope of responsibility, by forcing the child to use plastic. This offers a simple avenue to teach a child responsibility, make the family feel special enough by using the utensils, and fact remains, the guest shall never know whether the glasses were reserved for him/her. 

2. Sunday-best outfit

Okay, take a look at your wardrobe, and tell me you don't own an outfit that you have not worn more than 5 times. If you do, well, you are nuts. What is the essence of purchasing an expensive outfit, one that you look jaw-dropping in, and limit people having the chance to see you in it, to specific occassions. Most of the time, you end up outgrowing the outfit, and end up hardly wearing it. If you have an amazing outfit, wear it whenever your mood tells you to. Each day is special, make it count. Don't await somebody else's occasion to look great. Makes no sense for you to buy a suit, only to be buried in it. In fact, upon one's death, one should be buried with his favorite outfit: a pair of jeans, and favorite team jersey, as for ladies, whatever made you look amazing-don't you think? Unless its an outfit meant to spice bedroom affairs, dress in all you can, when you can!! Look sharp, and await no reason to do so!!

3. Wedding gift-utensils overdose

I am yet to walk down the aisle, and when that day shall come to pass, I hope it shall a healthy package of bliss. Anhu, I wonder why people always insist on purchasing utensils as wedding gifts-as if its an obligation. We all know that definitely, the newly weds shall be doing some cooking, but yikes, if you seek not to buy a worthy gift, get the couple a gift voucher and let them do the shopping, or just don't buy. Let us come clean, I am certain, on your D-day you would be dreading to have an overdose of utensils for gifts. Therefore, act it!!

4. Can't sleep without eating ugali

I recall my dad attesting to this, claiming he cannot sleep well without a heavy meal, thus always informed my mum, to prepare ugali, whenever she had made pilau, rice or spaghetti for supper. I tried seeking the logic behind this, knowing that supper is meant to be the lightest meal, as recommended by doctors and health nutrition, and found none. Being a bachelor, I have had french-fries for supper, on days I could fry-eggs not; if I am the only one whose fallen victim to laziness related to cooking, then I am in my own world. Anhu, why, would one, all of sudden, lack the capacity to stomach a light meal for a night, and force the lady to bear the burden of cooking more. Should the MRS find it appropriate,  then let her will be done. Personally though, I find this attribute, passed on through generations, as a load of sheer crap!!

Let it be known, that I hold no war against utensils. I own some. It is saddening that we choose to underrate ourselves, and deny us many blissful moments, all in the name of doing things because they are a norm. I know that there are many more things we are accustomed to, but we are not sheep, aren't we!!! Stand out, and treat each day with the special attention it deserves. Oh, and as for my Mrs. to be, I make this contract with you-I shall eat what is availed without grumbling, because I know the value of having a meal to soothe the stomach!!

BLACK SEPTEMBER-the flipside

TGIM- Thank God Its Monday. I guess, I may just find myself sued for stating so...yet again, I shall attest, my sheer love for Mondays, simply because they confirm that I have seen another weekend to completion. Anhu, woke up to another bleak Monday morning of September 2011-Legendary and re-known environmental activist, Nobel Laureate winner, and loving daughter to Kenya and Africa, Honorable Wangari Maathai passed on. She succumbed to cancer, and waves of her death, has rocked all corners of the globe, and sadness engulfed the hearts of environment lovers, because it is evident Mother Nature has lost one of her most devoted daughters. #MayHerSoulRestInEternalPeace (okay, must confess, twitter is getting deeper into my skin) @utamhaliss


As a nation, we have been rocked with murky news, day in-day out, in this month of September. This type of atmosphere, was generally reserved for August, but guess, in line with the changing weather partners, likewise has Grim Reaper's altered his hunting time. The Hell Hounds have been let loose, and my, oh my, they are siphoning life, right through our heavy bones. Tales of deaths caused by illicit brews, road carnage, murder (Kenyan lady slayed by husband who stabbed her more than 60 times, cut her throat), fire-furry and many more. In tandem with all this, the big blow came through to K.O all alcohol lovers. 
1. Alcoblow is back, with a bang. Now, marry this with the Mututho laws, and I can see married women having more time with their husbands at home. Oh yes, its back!!
A drive through Langata Road on a Friday or Saturday night, and you witness Tow-trucks celebrating a windfall. Damaged cars take the runway, auditioning for the most wrecked car galore. With the Alcoblow back, I can see the dampened faces of Kenya drunks. With limited drinking hours, the re-introduction of the Alcoblow, has been a major hit, below the belt. With respect to all catastrophes, I think this saga, shall be on the topics of many more, and for a longer duration.
2.HIV testing is bound to be made compulsory, whenever one goes for treatment for ailments such as malaria and typhoid. Yep, oh blimey!! Spiced with the current rate of inflation, the shilling being battered senselessly by the dollar, I must attest, this September got a huge dose of gloom right through it. No more hanky-panky stuff, with a Miss who aint your own, and ladies, yep, your database, may just have to be short-listed. 
3. No more traffic police-must confess, most Kenyans know not of what they want. The cops were ordered to stay clear of round-abouts, so that drivers would work with traffic lights, and mayhem has taken over. In a days time, and drivers were crying out loud to have them back. Yep, all this happened in the month of September.


In summary, men and women, are being warned off too much drink, late night driving, random sex-ventures, all courted with harsher economic times. Yep. Liken this to Nakumatt Supermarket..."Welcome to September-all gloom under one roof". 
Anhu, let us count our blessings, stop whining, and learn to soothe our circumstances. I also choose to stand tall, giving a standing ovation to Phillip Makau, for breaking the marathon record in Berlin-finally, the record is right where it belongs...Kenya!! Let us make merry, when the sun is shining on your yard!!
Therefore, as we mourn, let us not forget to rejoice and celebrate those around us. Let them know they are special, if and when you have the chance, both in words and action. I know at times, it kind of feels odd, when you pass gratitude to someone, for being important to you, but its alot better, then saying sweet things to a corpse!! FACT!!

Yokozuna K.O

No Mercy!!

I was meant to post this yesterday, but I had other commitments to address. As I looked forward to a great week, calamity seems to have embraced the month of September by the neck. The past week, was filled with sheer gloom and guttering life-snatching events. Death and murky stories, engulfed our media houses whole, stifling them off any good news that may have taken up center stage. The Sinai tragedy, illicit-brew encounters, road carnage, police shootings etc. My oh my, the horror. Kenya marked 2 days of mourning, in honor of the lost lives, and I top that, with a prayer to the Heavens, their souls are resting in eternal peace. Sadly, the tales continue: 13 people died in a road accident yesterday, and as of this morning, a man has reportedly killed the wife in a family feud. #GodblessourNation


Queer: As I was buzzing around this weekend, catching up with footy and friends, we recalled the Yokozuna saga and start to bust out laughing. Kindly do not get me wrong here, I do mourn the death of those slayed by the illicit brews, yet again, seriously, YOKOZUNA!! The name of that brew, must be alarming by itself.  As far as my memory goes, in the supreme days of wrestling, Yokozuna was one mean-ass, who had his ass all over the other wrestlers faces: and had no remorse for it. I recall his killer move-putting an opponent on the corner ropes, as he planned on running from the alter-corner, straight into the unlucky chap. The impact would exhaust all the air, life and strength from the opponent, making him fall down, face-up. And there, was his best moment. He would go up the corner ropes, bounce a couple of times and ******** (lacked a sound-effect to describe it) and he would rub it on, until the opponent tapped out. It was not a pleasing sight, and he would always make my mum rant and rave about how it made no sense to her, why we, my father included, would cheer and go hysterical over old men dressed in underwear. (as she liked to put it, highlighting her disgust).


Worrying: Back to Kenya, and News-headlines are hijacked by piratical-news of young men being held ransom by illicit brews. Deaths and blindness courting every sip they take of the so much, "I am hustling" drink. I think, 'hustle' has been the most misused word to-date. From what I have gathered and researched as per the word, I think 90% of the people who use it, hardly know what hustling is all about, and have fallen victim to verbal-peer-pressure. Aha, back to the illicit drinks, well, being a teetotaler myself (I am naturally high and the doctors have confirmed it), I wonder what actually draws these young men to the brew. I believe, majority can spend at least Ksh.20 on a cup, and at the same time, seek to borrow money to buy food, which would be purchased by the misused cash.On that note, I have always wondered why it is easier, for a friend to buy someone alcohol to wipe out misery, than actually loan the friend some money, to help sort out more important issues. Personally, I would feel insulted, whether done out of good gesture or not, if a friend, instead of seeking to address my problems, upon his willingness, chooses to buy me a drink to wipe it down. As far as I know, he would not be worth being called a friend, and I would be better off alone. 

MUST: I believe, we need to be personally responsible, in order to sustain lives in our beloved nation. That we should stand up and draw caution, when a driver is being reckless, radio stations, to highlight on the importance of personal responsibility with regards to alcohol consumption, that sex should be a topic freely discussed in families, highlighting the fact that it is not a vice, but the circumstance surrounding the act, define its morality or not. The more we ignore reality, and batter words of matters that are beyond our control, the more lives we shall loose, and mourning shall become a norm. For example: complaining about time, yet 24hours is all we will ever get.


Hope: The beauty of Kenya as a Nation, is our malleability. Our love for self, is our weakness, yet our greatest strength. I believe, learning from KenyansforKenya; with constant and consistent sharing of real-information, would aid our ailing nation. AIDS provides a great learning curve, with people being more receptive to victims, and shunning stigmatization. People are scared of the truth, and thank God it hurts-it is high time people shun cocoons, stop hiding in the 'We are aping the Western world excuse' and stick to the gun, and call it as it is. Should we not address these issues-the plight and sight of women crying over 'dead' men who are alive in the villages, shall wipe our schools clean of children to attend the classes. As we ponder on what to do: let us not forget, LIFE HAS NO REHEARSALS!! lest we stop....we shall be hammered with YOKOZUNA K.Os

70's Romance Evolution

Fact: Guys in the 70s were not more smooth and sleek than us---they simply paid more personalized attention to the ladies, than is currently done. They never had mobile phones, internet etc., thus for one to get a hold of a woman, one had to sweat to impress. Letters, are more personalized in times of effort than texts. A flower picked up by a hedge, is more affectionate than a plastic one. A walk by the river, is better than chatting all night via the phone. Simply put, personalized affection is deeper than technologized lovey-duvy. I choose to believe that when ladies compare us with the fore-fathers, it is the simple matters that make the huge difference. I know we have to work, and so did they. 24 hours shall never be topped up. MAKE TIME!! and stop whining. 


Romance. "Yikes" . Most men get alarmed by the R-word, and when coined with the L-word in the same sentence, some even seek therapy sessions-alcohol. Yet again, really, is it so difficult to remain macho, and be smooth at the same time: be a man, but a smooth one to add to that!! Many times, I have heard of women wordy-riots, protesting against the lack of attention and creativity in relation to romance. I choose to look back at what used to happen in the 70s, the days of Afros and Bell-bottoms, Curl Kits, pleats and leather jackets, pen-to-paper love tales scented with perfume etc. In this day and age, this is cliche, and to some, simply stone-age. In this era of android, I-pad, I-phones, Mac-books and blackberry's one would be seen to be nuts to go and tell it, the 70s way. Factoring this in, what would happen, if one would wed the best from each era, and simply become a..........

1. A Digital Camera (Reputable phone can also work)

This is the most important item you can ever buy when it comes to a relationship-be it, marriage or courtship. To add some spice to a special day, and your lady is expectant of roses and chocolate-buy a digital camera. Should she grumble-tell her you bought it to play witness for the many happy moments you know you will have with her. Once she starts smiling, unleash the package you had set-up for the D-day. Reason:when days go cold, and you are in a stale-mate, you chuck the photos, hopefully, having burned them on a CD, and play. The hearty laughs captured, the special moments embossed in your memories, shall come to life, and well, you can start all over again.

2. Sticky Notes

If you are creative, naughty, bold and adventourous, these yellow papers would do you great. Know how to use them, and you may just end up taking the office with you home. Ladies are thrilled by adventure, adore creativity, and love attention, thus why not stick it to  her. Let us assume you are an early bird, and you always leave her napping...and she is the type who picks her next-day outfit the night before. As you leave, input a sticky note stating "Am Jealous" on it. Upon she finding it, and questioning why so; tell her that you wish you were the one embracing her so close for the better part of that day. Simple. Kinky. hehe. You can have one in her bag, and state, "Today's evening news: Adam and Eve found in our bedroom" haha. You can decide what that means. I can't keep on letting out my tips, I also have a Ms. to impress.

3. Keep The cards Old School-online doesn't count
If there is one thing, that you should never do in the name of romance, is send a soft-copy card. A card is meant to be something she can touch and show her pals how thoughtful you can be. Now, I know most of us are stuck to the special-day cards; valentines, birthdays, anniversaries etc. Well, you are living in the Pentium-one era. *Geeky*, I know!! You need to up your game to the next level. Simply have a 'It is a Tuesday', for example theme. Simply, do not await for special days, because your days should be special because you have with you. My close buddy, has embraced this close, and thus far, he is bound to walk down the aisle.

4. Roses- Keep them fresh
If you can not buy the real ones, simply avoid it, and stick to the ones available on cards. Here, I believe almost doesn't count, and as far as the cliche'; it is the thought that counts, show me when you will see thoughts counting, and I shall equally do the same. Therefore,  once you choose to walk this path let it be the real-deal. I know majority of us struggle with the act of carrying a flowers, (equally a victim), thus thank God, for delivery services. Send them to her offices, or wherever she is, and give her the chance to gloat. Remember: In the 70s, though plucked from fences and bushes, yet, not roses, they always kept them fresh!!

5. Communication-- try and keep it 70s-use the mobile, but let it not overshadow face to face moments. In the mornings, do not text her good morning-peck her so. Do not text her goodnight, call her. The voice has more conviction, than a shortened text-Nyt!! I know, as men, we usually bury ourselves in the conviction that the ratio of men to women stands at around 1:4, but what they never tell you, the ratio of good women to men! As far as good men are concerned, ladies know best. This marks the heart-beat of your relationship, the more quality time you avail, the higher the chances of staying steadfast, and burning. Thus always try, to uphold face-to-face. 


Blogger says: who am I to tell you how to play your tune. You know what you do best, thus stick to it. Anhu, the Nigerian pastor shall gather single women, in plenty, tomorrow at the Nyayo stadium.  I will be there, and share my insights if necessary. I know with this in mind, I will have me a keeper..hehe
Blessed weekend people!!-Misbehave!!

Single Ladies BONANZA:Pray for 1, get 1 free!!

"Hear Ye, Hear Ye"...must confess, I love this medieval start to a major announcement. From what I have seen in Camelot, Merlin, Robin-hood and the likes...it had great gusto in it-thus, "Listen ye, citizens of False-Truth Kingdom- today its all about the single ladies. There is a lady bonanza on the offing, and all the single men best take this up.I am not in any way materializing the angelic beings, thus bare with me if you are the easily insulted type-men simply like it when it sounds like an adventure that ascertains a victorious accomplishment upon completion of a task. (makes no sense to me either)

The Nigerian Pastor, Chris O., re-known for praying for single ladies to get instant husbands is coming to town again-Nairobi, Kenya. It is almost a year now, since he last graced our beautiful city, and I cannot wait to see the kind of crowd he will draw in, this time round. In fact, I am trying to be an usher, so that I can get first-hand experience. Ha. I have been watching his sermons lately on Kiss TV (local broadcast), and must confess, this man can pull crowds without doubt. Ladies confess of how they get calls, rekindle old flames, meet perfect strangers etc., and eventually dance the I'm single tune no more. My bad, I lost track-this was actually meant not to be about ladies...got excited for a minute there. Think about it, a single guy, ushering a seminar for single women, in dire need of men..hehe....#perfect timing and placing!! Don't you think so?

Gentlemen. If you are single, lack the charisma and confidence to approach a woman, then your prayers have finally been answered. All you need to do, is look sharp, buy flowers if necessary, make time and stick by these rules!

1. Know the location and timing of the meet by the Pastor

2. Dress well to make sure you can draw a ladies attention

3. Do not be hasty-employ lots of patience, thus ensure you have no commitments

4. Stand outside the venue and await the completion of the seminar

5. Once the ladies start leaving the vicinity, identify your catch and start thy pursuit

6. You can choose to follow her and talk to her at a strategic place, or simply point at her. The spirit that shall have encompassed the lady shall be massive, and she will be expectant of meeting someone special-YOU!

7. Tell her "I am the one. Your prayed about me, and here I am"- be sleek, and convincing. Should she look doubting, tell her 'Do not turn away, I am thy gift brought forth by the universe-that is the geekiest remark ever. Don't you dare. Coin your own words, at least I have done so much to shade light on your dark days of solitude.

I seek not to encourage men who want exploit women for their pleasure to take this up. Nope. I seek to chant a prayer for the brothers out there, who have despaired and chose to drown their sorrows in alcohol and are marry football. Haha. A wise man, knows a gold mine when he sees one- Kenyan men, your gold mine is coming through in the name of   the Nigerian Pastor.

I have painted the rough picture.

Take a painting brush and  piece of paper, then start to paint for yourself a Monalisa!!

Go ye unto Nyayo Staduim, and claim thy bride!!

NB: I would have done this, if my status read different. For now....should it change in the next couple days, as a result of this post..see you outside the gates of the seminar hall. 


Have a great weekend citizens of The Kingdom of False-Truth. I am not the King of this estate- simply the Crier, thus "Hear ye, Hear Ye"

Pre-Romance Overdose: Male Error

Assumption:When one starts building the face of the house, would it make any sense if the foundation is prettier than the visible appearance of the house? Hell no, right? 

Most men try too hard to impress women during the soothing-phase. They jump the gun, as they try so hard to be ahead of the game, forgetting that it actually marks the beginning of the race-and this is where the bad boys score a home run. When gentlemen get all mushy, some go out of the loop to draw in a Yes-vote from the Ms. From fancy dinners, to bouquet of flowers, road trips, nights-out, jewelry etc,-you know. The grand mistake

Scenario: You start with buying the lady chocolates eventually make it a routine. You spoil her with poems or hefty lovey-duvy texts, going to her place of residence of work, with a bouquet just to make her smile, you plan escapades with friends or even take her on a shopping escapade or escort them to a salon (the horror) etc. Aha, sounds familiar right, or am I under estimating you. My bad. At least when I was in the hunting-phase, I know some we used to do so.  Anhu, I am sure by now you are in-tune with what I am talking about. 

FACT: Whatever you do as you sooth a Ms., marks the lowest point, the least things, you can ever do to and for her. Thus if you started with monthly roses, you can only make it a fortnight or weekly, and nothing less. Then the downfall begins. Once the lady, has agreed to get into a relationship with you, gents slowly omit this service delivery. The flowers become bi-annual or annual, chocolates become expensive, sweet texts become summarized etc. At that juncture, the lady starts to feel cheated, and shall confess: "Sweets. I think you are not the same guy I knew. You are no longer romantic or pay attention to me. You do not make time for us, and I think you do not love me anymore..blah-blah-blah" At that juncture, your mind, the dude, goes blank and you wonder, what the hell is wrong with your chic. Aha-She simply feels cheated.

Logically speaking: how in the hell, do you expect to offer the lady less, once she agrees to be your damsel. How can you expect her to be understanding, once in the relationship, to go 3 months without what was being offered to her prior to you being a couple. You stand tall, and don't understand why she feels cheated, yet you played the tune she was to dance to.

My say: Let it be known, that I am not against the pampering of women. Personally, I do it so well for my Mrs. Thus, if you can afford it, do it. I simply seek to attest that one needs to cut his coat, according to his cloth. This shall shun the pretense that wholly engulfs the soothing and courting phase, and shall make you better of, at coping and making the best of reality.  Cut the cloth meant for the trouser, with the picture of the actual suit in mind. Impress the potential lady with what is, and not what might be-Do not treat a lady to greatness, as you factor in a potential promotion to sustain the good times.

We need to give ladies the benefit of doubt, and assume that not all after our money. Yeah yeah, I know majority think we are dogs, and as I always state, they are right. What they are yet to clarify, is which breed you are? Personally, I am a Rottweiler. Some prefer chihuahuas, others poodles (gay) etc. Anhu, for you to ensure that you have the lady dancing to your tune, and shall not stop singing it to her girl-friends. There is reason why it is stated-getting to the top is easy, remaining there is the actual task. Therefore, soothing a woman, should be the tip of your iceberg, when you have as your woman, let the her see the entire iceberg-thus you should double your smoothness bwoy. Your passion to have her remain as your woman, should be double your desire to make her your woman...unless she is a one-nighter. 

As always, I stand to be corrected. Live in the real world, and stop swimming in utopia. Choose not to complicate, and you shall have the silver-lining on your plate. Ladies may be simply-complex gentlemen, but impossible to deal with is not one of their alter-egos. If you think I am alone in this, then I must confess, I do meet the right ladies in my life. Ha ha...