Single Ladies BONANZA:Pray for 1, get 1 free!!

"Hear Ye, Hear Ye"...must confess, I love this medieval start to a major announcement. From what I have seen in Camelot, Merlin, Robin-hood and the likes...it had great gusto in it-thus, "Listen ye, citizens of False-Truth Kingdom- today its all about the single ladies. There is a lady bonanza on the offing, and all the single men best take this up.I am not in any way materializing the angelic beings, thus bare with me if you are the easily insulted type-men simply like it when it sounds like an adventure that ascertains a victorious accomplishment upon completion of a task. (makes no sense to me either)

The Nigerian Pastor, Chris O., re-known for praying for single ladies to get instant husbands is coming to town again-Nairobi, Kenya. It is almost a year now, since he last graced our beautiful city, and I cannot wait to see the kind of crowd he will draw in, this time round. In fact, I am trying to be an usher, so that I can get first-hand experience. Ha. I have been watching his sermons lately on Kiss TV (local broadcast), and must confess, this man can pull crowds without doubt. Ladies confess of how they get calls, rekindle old flames, meet perfect strangers etc., and eventually dance the I'm single tune no more. My bad, I lost track-this was actually meant not to be about ladies...got excited for a minute there. Think about it, a single guy, ushering a seminar for single women, in dire need of men..hehe....#perfect timing and placing!! Don't you think so?

Gentlemen. If you are single, lack the charisma and confidence to approach a woman, then your prayers have finally been answered. All you need to do, is look sharp, buy flowers if necessary, make time and stick by these rules!

1. Know the location and timing of the meet by the Pastor

2. Dress well to make sure you can draw a ladies attention

3. Do not be hasty-employ lots of patience, thus ensure you have no commitments

4. Stand outside the venue and await the completion of the seminar

5. Once the ladies start leaving the vicinity, identify your catch and start thy pursuit

6. You can choose to follow her and talk to her at a strategic place, or simply point at her. The spirit that shall have encompassed the lady shall be massive, and she will be expectant of meeting someone special-YOU!

7. Tell her "I am the one. Your prayed about me, and here I am"- be sleek, and convincing. Should she look doubting, tell her 'Do not turn away, I am thy gift brought forth by the universe-that is the geekiest remark ever. Don't you dare. Coin your own words, at least I have done so much to shade light on your dark days of solitude.

I seek not to encourage men who want exploit women for their pleasure to take this up. Nope. I seek to chant a prayer for the brothers out there, who have despaired and chose to drown their sorrows in alcohol and are marry football. Haha. A wise man, knows a gold mine when he sees one- Kenyan men, your gold mine is coming through in the name of   the Nigerian Pastor.

I have painted the rough picture.

Take a painting brush and  piece of paper, then start to paint for yourself a Monalisa!!

Go ye unto Nyayo Staduim, and claim thy bride!!

NB: I would have done this, if my status read different. For now....should it change in the next couple days, as a result of this post..see you outside the gates of the seminar hall. 


Have a great weekend citizens of The Kingdom of False-Truth. I am not the King of this estate- simply the Crier, thus "Hear ye, Hear Ye"

Pre-Romance Overdose: Male Error

Assumption:When one starts building the face of the house, would it make any sense if the foundation is prettier than the visible appearance of the house? Hell no, right? 

Most men try too hard to impress women during the soothing-phase. They jump the gun, as they try so hard to be ahead of the game, forgetting that it actually marks the beginning of the race-and this is where the bad boys score a home run. When gentlemen get all mushy, some go out of the loop to draw in a Yes-vote from the Ms. From fancy dinners, to bouquet of flowers, road trips, nights-out, jewelry etc,-you know. The grand mistake

Scenario: You start with buying the lady chocolates eventually make it a routine. You spoil her with poems or hefty lovey-duvy texts, going to her place of residence of work, with a bouquet just to make her smile, you plan escapades with friends or even take her on a shopping escapade or escort them to a salon (the horror) etc. Aha, sounds familiar right, or am I under estimating you. My bad. At least when I was in the hunting-phase, I know some we used to do so.  Anhu, I am sure by now you are in-tune with what I am talking about. 

FACT: Whatever you do as you sooth a Ms., marks the lowest point, the least things, you can ever do to and for her. Thus if you started with monthly roses, you can only make it a fortnight or weekly, and nothing less. Then the downfall begins. Once the lady, has agreed to get into a relationship with you, gents slowly omit this service delivery. The flowers become bi-annual or annual, chocolates become expensive, sweet texts become summarized etc. At that juncture, the lady starts to feel cheated, and shall confess: "Sweets. I think you are not the same guy I knew. You are no longer romantic or pay attention to me. You do not make time for us, and I think you do not love me anymore..blah-blah-blah" At that juncture, your mind, the dude, goes blank and you wonder, what the hell is wrong with your chic. Aha-She simply feels cheated.

Logically speaking: how in the hell, do you expect to offer the lady less, once she agrees to be your damsel. How can you expect her to be understanding, once in the relationship, to go 3 months without what was being offered to her prior to you being a couple. You stand tall, and don't understand why she feels cheated, yet you played the tune she was to dance to.

My say: Let it be known, that I am not against the pampering of women. Personally, I do it so well for my Mrs. Thus, if you can afford it, do it. I simply seek to attest that one needs to cut his coat, according to his cloth. This shall shun the pretense that wholly engulfs the soothing and courting phase, and shall make you better of, at coping and making the best of reality.  Cut the cloth meant for the trouser, with the picture of the actual suit in mind. Impress the potential lady with what is, and not what might be-Do not treat a lady to greatness, as you factor in a potential promotion to sustain the good times.

We need to give ladies the benefit of doubt, and assume that not all after our money. Yeah yeah, I know majority think we are dogs, and as I always state, they are right. What they are yet to clarify, is which breed you are? Personally, I am a Rottweiler. Some prefer chihuahuas, others poodles (gay) etc. Anhu, for you to ensure that you have the lady dancing to your tune, and shall not stop singing it to her girl-friends. There is reason why it is stated-getting to the top is easy, remaining there is the actual task. Therefore, soothing a woman, should be the tip of your iceberg, when you have as your woman, let the her see the entire iceberg-thus you should double your smoothness bwoy. Your passion to have her remain as your woman, should be double your desire to make her your woman...unless she is a one-nighter. 

As always, I stand to be corrected. Live in the real world, and stop swimming in utopia. Choose not to complicate, and you shall have the silver-lining on your plate. Ladies may be simply-complex gentlemen, but impossible to deal with is not one of their alter-egos. If you think I am alone in this, then I must confess, I do meet the right ladies in my life. Ha ha...

A Woman's VERDICT?

Gentlemen, gentlemen, I know we have concocted so many synonyms in relation to the fairer-sex. While working with a construction company, some ladies were referred to as 'Live-wire', while others were referred to as copper/insulators etc-this is in relation to beauty. As I moved on to the bank industry, we had some being referred to as EFTs, bounced cheques while others were simply over-the counter withdrawals etc-in relation to how soon a guy would take to sleep with one, or how fast she caught the men's attention. I even heard the airline industry has its own connotation of this beloved specie-I am still researching. While in campus, the nicknames were just too many and guess you can recall a few of your own. Women, women, women, what a MARVEL. Anhu, I know women have their own synonyms in relation to us, men, but I cannot dwell into that, because, honestly, I have no clue. Oh, I have remembered one: Maasai Sandals men. My colleague, a lady, told me that this is the reference her clique uses in relation to short chaps. I assume it is because the shoes are flat-soled, therefore, bringing the woman to the same height level as the man!

In tandem with this, I pondered on what women value in relation to what they actually possess.  This is my own manifestation, and I stand to be corrected. Therefore, gentlemen, if ladies would refer to you in this manner, this is what I perceive they would mean:

1. Hair

This is a lady's most priced possession. If you are a guy, and a lady likens you to her hair, then you are assured of quality time, concern, care and protection. If storms are to be raised against you, then she will not be hesitant to back you up, and shelter you. In times of rain, she would do anything, to ensure you do not get wet. If you are short, she would purchase extensions, just to make you more appealing. If you are just from the salon, then she would rather sleep with her head floating over a pillow, other than have you compressed on the bed-cushion, only to wake up shambled and disoriented. Simply put gentlemen, if a lady likens you to her hair, you are a jewel in her heart, and she will treasure you ever.

2. Shoes

Uuh, these pairs come a close second to hair. If ladies had an option, I think they would prefer to walk on air, other than have them ruined. Gentlemen, if you are her pair of shoes, then your dynamism is what she finds alluring. Your capacity to match and gel with her circumstance, making her stand out and look complete, is an attribute she takes not for granted. You provide comfort when she seeks to walk long distances, elegance when she has a grand-event, sustain her body when she is impregnated by pressure etc. You are of sincere value to her.

3. Brassiere 

Ha, these are men who provide reassurance of support. To be precise, if you are a push-up bra, then, you are better off, because you guarantee her a thrust when she is down. Fact remains, she will always hold you close to heart, because you guarantee her solidity in turbulent times. Behave well, and you may just be welcomed to her personal space faster than you think.

4. Stockings

If you are referred to as such, then you are temporary, but your capacity to flaunt her beauty is what she finds appealing. You give her the capacity to dress skimpy, yet look elegant, because you hide, what would be depicted as under-dressing. By virtue of you being a provision of warmth in the days of cold, then the lady shall only seek you when she needs you. The sad part of being in this category, is that your purpose is often short-lived to her liking.

5. Thong

Well, I must attest, she is most comfortable around you. Oh yes, so comfortable, that she has no problems with you getting in her business. She feels sexiest, open and out-going around you. At this stage, the lady sees no point in her pretending or keeping secrets. You are simply her best kept secret, and she cannot dare, share you with anyone else-you are only hers-period!!

6. The Handbag
In my own opinion, I think once a woman likens you to this personal item, then you are doomed. Knowing that she can dump everything and anything on you, then she simply sees you as a good friend, and unless all men die, and you are the only one left standing, you simply have no chance of being her man. There is no life encounter about her that is secret to you. From her rain moments to lip-gloss encounters, one-night stands to her deepest secrets; well, you know it all. 


As I stated earlier, this is my personal assessment, and I stand to be corrected. I cannot over-emphasize the value and worth of women in society. Thinking about the world without them, is like trying to dance tango, with your legs tied together. HORRIFIC!! 

A Dance with Reality!!

Fact be known, I am a sucker for Mondays. Unlike many people, I look forward to this day. Well, you may try to enclose my enthusiasm in the 'He probably has no life' box. Oopsy, you are entirely wrong!! My weekends are often buzzing with self-nurturing activities. Anhu, reason why I love Mondays, is because they attest the fact that I wholly saw the weekend to completion and blessed to see the birth of an entirely new week. No Monday blues for me...hardly ever!!

The sweetness of life, is melted from the variety of cuisines it offers. Many people, having fallen victim to stereotyping, formalities and norms are accustomed to  singing in tune by grumbling and whining about that which they can change. Therefore, from my dance with Ms.Reality, this is what she whispered to my ear:

1. Do not blame traffic, simply blame your timing- this is unless you extremely left early, only to be hampered by an accident. 

2. When you take a public means of transport, you are actually being chauffeur driven. Question is, what do you do with the time you have. Assume you loose 2 hours daily on the road, that sums up to 480 hours annually, unaccounted for. Are you really that wealthy, that it hurts you not, thus you can sit back and do nothing!

3. Most tears, shed upon demise of someone we love, are mainly due to guilt. This is in relation to us not showing much love and appreciation while they were with us, rather than us missing them. If you have someone you value, LET THEM KNOW IT!!

4. Women are absurd, to think they can change a man, and similary, is a man to expect a woman to think or act like him. We are different, and that is what makes the world special. Embrace it, and run away with it.

5. When we state life is not fair, what else do we compare it to-Death? We should not grumble over what is beyond us, and simply make the best of our circumstances. If you complain about the weather, I wonder what you can do to change it. Aha, yet simply put you can change your attitude!

6. God, for those who believe in Him, gave us the most important tool in equal measure: TIME!! We all have 24 hours, thus stating you never have enough time, I wonder where you expect to get a top-up from!

7. There is nothing like killing time. Have you ever seen anyone stab it!!hmm.  All that happens is we loose life. Every minute lost, is a moment of life wasted. Life has no rehearsals. Knowing that in life, you either LEARN or EARN, then you may stop being stagnant.

8. Always be a first-rate version of yourself, other than a second-rate version of somebody else. Fact stands that you cannot please everyone you come across, some people will hate you just by the sight of you. Thus, do right, and make sure you live YOUR life best.

NB: If you always confess that your time is limited for you to live your life fully, why in all sanity, do you seek to live someone else's?

9. In life, we have more acquaintances than friends. Surprisingly, they hardly exceed 5, for majority. Therefore, when you come across a true friend.....-I believe you know what to do!

10. The fact that you may do good, and people don't appreciate it, or that your good deeds are often overshadowed by one bad deed upon its occurrence, it should not put you down. What you need to ensure, is that when others do good to you, let them know about it. Don't be what you despise!!

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down"

If you are yet to read 'An Enemy Called Average' by John. L. Mason, you best find it!!

21st Century Virgin?

I just finished the last episode of Outsourced, (why did they cancel this show) and recall Rajiv, the nosy and nagging Indian manager, proclaim that he was a virgin. I know not of his age as per the show, but I give him a minimum of 27. Recalling the hit movie, 40 year old virgin, I wonder whether it was based on a true story! I know this is plain T.V, and you may claim I am delusional, yet again, am I really? Come to think of it, why did they highlight male characters as Vs. Anhu, a pal of mine believes that this 'specie' is extinct? If not, then they are nearing extinction, and we should start a lobby group dubbed 'Save the Vs campaign/Foundation'?  FYI V=virgins, not V=visitors!! 

At times, I think men value women's virginity, more than women value it themselves. Do women really know how men gloat after popping a cherry? Ladies, if not, pray you get a chance to witness this. For crying out loud, some men even believe that Nike-ing a pure damsel, is a guaranteed cure for AIDS. SCOUNDRELS!! 

Double standard 1: Why is sex meant to seem as a woman's fault, should there be any misdemeanor in this department. Chinua Achebe, in his book, A Man of the People, states, :-the sheet duet is more meaningful to women as it takes place in them. Regardless, fact remains, it is not a solo performance. Thus I wonder why men are so keen to pass the buck whenever things go wrong. From lack of capacity to resist temptation, to being drugged and 'her lack of hesitance to resist a plunge'; men always make it seem its the woman's fault. I know men are gas-cookers, and women micro-waves, whenever it comes to reacting to sexual stimulus, yet, we all know that numerous decisions have to be made prior to the actual intimacy. From phone calls, to condom purchases, to setting up rooms, availing time etc.-it's evident that sex has to be consented prior to the actual physical bonding. This facade that men lack control in this department, has created a lee-way for us, to misbehave, and have it seen as a norm. Double standard 2:men long to marry virgins, yet want to play the sexatone with women. Oxymoron!!. At the same time, men always seek to safeguard their own blood sisters, guiding them to remain pure, yet strive to get the price possession of other people's sisters-V or not! People shy from reality, I choose to dance with it!

As I was saying, fact remains that this 'specie', is not extinct, and I do commend them for staying put, especially in the 21st century. It is difficult, I know. There is no greater stimulus than the rush of hormones related to intimacy, and overcoming it, is an achievement. Well, adrenaline does come at a close second. These hormones have made men and women transverse states, ignore political and professional status (Clinton and IMF boss, not mentioning), concoct lies worth a million bucks, scorn religion and even violate human rationale (rapists, incest); simply because it is matchless. People are made to feel like outcasts because they have held their cherry close to their hearts. Shy not, and stand tall. With sex being one of the most used marketing gimmick, radio stations rampant on this topic and Hollywood making virginity look like a mental disorder or a disease "NB:IT IS STILL MEN WHO PLAY THESE CHARACTER ROLES! (R.J. Berger), I think being a V in this century, is a major milestone. I know you re-collecting where you lost it, well, you can mentor your kids into valuing it more, and this relates to both gender. With such sanity, we may save our nation and kind, a lot of trauma. 

As I always state, it is not my role to judge fellow mankind, and pretend to be holier than thou, or taking a morally higher ground! Do what you will, it is yours, right? Therefore, if you let loose at your own consent, do so without regret, but should you give in, only to crave to stab yourself for what you did, you best think twice before taking a dip!!

TRUTH: Times have changed. While in the 20th century it was seen as treasure, the 21st sees it as lack of appreciation for one's sex-life. I believe marriages in the past, lasted because couples upheld their V, thus the only bed-minton they knew, was between the 2. Nowdays,though, with ping-pong of sex partner widely accepted, testing various kinds of flesh highly recommended, then chances of falling victim to desires of better offers, is red hot. The divorce rates and cheating spouses speak for themselves. They are so many, that T.V shows can actually air them like  a series, with complete seasons. Chastity is no vice, its a VIRTUE!

False: The V-card is a visa card, that can be used severally. Nope, it only swipes once! Make it count!

NB:As you read this, hope you pondered not on whether I am one, or not. Well, since you are a judge of character, I will let you decide. YOU KNOW BEST!! Ha ha

Baby Loving!!

On twitter as @utamhaliss 

Am I the one who only finds it interesting that when we were toddlers, we crave to be adults and actually try to act like one, yet when we get old, all we can do is be nostalgic and yearn for our toothless days. If I am the only victim here, I must confess that, I really do wish life would have stagnated there, at times. Anhu, during the numerous flips of my baby flashbacks, something hit my nerve. I recalled of the you-tube video, showing two babies have a laugh in the nappies, as if they were grown-ups, chatting an afternoon through. It is in this line, I thought of coming up with a poem, written from a smooth-baby's point of view:


Baby-Loving
Your Mum to know mine,
wasn't luck, but destiny at its prime,
noticed you when just ten months through,
warmest toothless smile and beauty so true.


First touch of my innocent eyes on you,
'gugu-gaga' was all I could do,
old folk ignorant of what was the hype,
not knowing twas baby-vibe, saying "I'm in like"


In the crib they often left we,
calming than a Cerelac moment in being,
you in the pink bootees with a Tweety bird top,
was like taking a burp, after mama's gulp.


Both knees down, I went romancing to theem
requesting to be your diaper, n halt shit from happening,
definitely a 'pampers' and not plain napkin,
thus cause you no rash, and be long lasting.


Laughter and joy took toll,
as I took you for the carpet crawl,
vowing to be your powder-Johnsons,
not sour, like cod-liver Scotts-Emulsion. 


#Food for thought: There moments in your life, when you have to find the child within you and experience the offings of life, without so much worry of the next day. It may actually make you live longer, and see things from a different view. Remember, adults are just grown up kids, grooming growing kids!! 
"Great is the man who has not lost his childlike heart." Mencius (Meng-Tse), 4th Century BC

Life like a newspaper..

Guess you all heard of the Rupert Murdoch story- the phone hacking saga that tainted the self-praised media in the UK. The scandal was and is so murky, that it eventually led to the closure of News of the World tabloid,chopping off a big chunk of integrity, in the media industry. 

Speaking of newspapers, ever thought of what section of a newspaper you would be, if you were to be a feature in one? Lives and careers have been ruined in this daily editions, revolutions started, love found, untold stories shared, businesses made, the hungry fed etc; thus would it not be interesting to know what value you would add to the Life Daily Edition.
1. The Cover/ Front page

These are head-liners. People who are never scared of drawing attention, and honestly, never shy away from it. They see it, they want it, they must have it! They are bold and wholly embrace it. If they are in a group, they hardly wait to be introduced, because they know one fact-#they do it best themselves. 
2. The Back page

They are laid back, are of great value, but if not keenly looked at, go unnoticed.They are not keen to have the spot-light, but once they attain it, well, it becomes difficult not to notice them. Downfall about being a back-page in life, is that if you do not get the attention deserved, thus you may being celebrated when dead. People get to see their value after their impact is missed, as a result of their absenteeism.
3. The Middle page
They blend in well, and always have serious content and knowledge, but need to be motivated to show it; they prefer to have someone source for it. Someone has to dig up their confidence, and then, they will freely roam. They easily go about with their lives, and share it with those who choose to show interest.
4. Advertisements/ Pull-out/ Columns

These guys, are neither here nor there, simply abstract art in life's art gallery. Can be a masterpiece, I agree, but ever shortlived!! Similar to a flag, they bow to the command of the wind. They simply work with what best fits them, as per that present moment. A change in scenario directly leads a change of heart. They are people whom you should hardly bank on, as they will wipe your safe clean, upon rise of better interest rates.
5. Obituaries
Honestly, this is tough to dwell into, yet again, I must. They prefer dwelling in the past, clinging to what-ifs, have a lot of wishes, but all is in vain, because their efforts are dead. They are simply living a dead life. They jabber a lot, and work not, simply living chatter-boxes, with no value in their charter!!


Life is simply clay, and we, are the potters. Though it, life, does have its twists and turns, it is still we, who have the capacity to make the final piece from what is laid in our hands.
Therefore, as you read through Life's Daily Edition, ensure you make each chance you have in the newspaper, count!!